You may have noticed it’s been a bit quiet around here lately. My posts have been less frequent than usual (which puts me at about the average posting rate of a normal non-insane food blogger). Still, these next few weeks may be a tiny drop quieter. As many of you know, I’m finishing my MFA program in dramatic writing at NYU. To finish this program I have to write a masters thesis play which will be read in front of a real live audience with actors and lights and everything on May 3rd. That’s less than a month away! Not to worry: I already have a first draft written, now I’m working on a major revision. The play, incidentally, is called “The Fall of the Family Felderbaum” and it involves (shocker!) a family restaurant. As a special treat, if you click below, you can read the opening sequence. It’s still a work in progress but it may be of interest to food lovers such as yourselves. And who knows maybe one day you’ll be waiting in line to buy tickets for it and you’ll say, “Ah, it seems like just yesterday I read the opening sequence to this play on a food blog. And now here I am about to pay $75 to see the rest. $75. I could have a meal at Babbo for $75.” Then you leave the line and have a wonderful dinner. I forgive you.
THE FALL OF THE FAMILY FELDERBAUM
by Adam Roberts
ACT ONE
PART ONE
(A parking lot. LEO enters. He is an old man with two canes and fake legs.)
LEO
When I was a young man, I knew a great chef who had a restaurant here–here on this very spot. Or was it this spot? I think it was this spot.
(He moves to a different spot.)
LEO (CONT’D)
Yes, this was the spot. For 100 years his family maintained the greatest restaurant in Ohio, Ohio. His food was exquisite. Foodies travelled far and wide to experience it.
(A FOODIE enters, exhausted.)
FOODIE
I have travelled far and wide to experience the exquisite cuisine of Felderbaum’s, the greatest restaurant in Ohio, Ohio.
LEO
My apologies but your quest is in vain. Felderbaum’s is gone.
FOODIE
Impossible!
LEO
It is no more.
FOODIE
For how long?
LEO
For 50 years.
FOODIE
You mean I’ve travelled 50 years to experience the finest food in Ohio, Ohio only to find that it’s gone? How devastating!
LEO
It’s true. It was burnt to the ground in a tragic fire.
FOODIE
A kitchen fire?
LEO
No a tragic fire.
FOODIE
Was it a tragic kitchen fire?
LEO
Depends on your perspective. From my perspective it was the least tragic thing in the world. It meant freedom–
FOODIE
You mean?
LEO
Yes, I worked at Felderbaum’s. I was a slave to the tyranny of that kitchen.
FOODIE
But surely you appreciated the fineness of the food? Can you tell me about it? What was it like to eat scorpion feces on star-shaped pieces of toast?
LEO
It was indeed brilliant work. My father–
FOODIE
Your father?! You mean–
LEO
Yes, my father was Franklin Felderbaum, the genius behind Felderbaum’s.
FOODIE
That means: you’re Leo? You’re Leo Felderbaum?
(Leo bows.)
FOODIE (CONT’D)
Oh wow! What an honor, what a privilege! It is said that you were twice the genius your father was.
LEO
Lies! I was only 1/4 the genius my father was!
FOODIE
Well 1/4 of 2 is 1/2
LEO
Which means?
FOODIE
I don’t know. But I’ve travelled far and wide to study the cuisine of Felderbaum’s, and now that I’ve met you I need to know all about it. What was the kitchen like in its heyday? Where did it go wrong? Who started that fire? Why did they do it? How does one make a proper béchamel? What is béchamel?
LEO
All these questions…they’re too much for me to ponder.
FOODIE
Forgive me. I do not mean to overwhelm.
LEO
No, forgive me. This is all so emotional. I haven’t been back since, since–
FOODIE
You burned down the restaurant?
(Beat.)
FOODIE (CONT’D)
With your parents inside?
LEO
I was a different person back then.
FOODIE
Weren’t we all.
LEO
I was so full of life, so full of boundless energy.
(YOUNG LEO enters and does a gymnastics routine across the stage.)
FOODIE
Is that you?
LEO
Yes it is. The younger me.
(Young Leo hops to his feet.)
YOUNG LEO
I am so full of life! So full of boundless energy!
LEO
I was a happy child. Maybe a bit too happy.
YOUNG LEO
Hurrah! Hurrah! I can lick my pinky toe!
LEO
But more than anything else, I wanted to be an actor.
YOUNG LEO
Oh to act. That is my dream. (He removes a flyer from his pocket.) And my dream is about to come true!
LEO
Yet, I was held back by a powerful force. The force of the family business: Felderbaum’s, the greatest restaurant in Ohio, Ohio.
(The stage shifts back to the past. Felderbaum’s rises in the background.)
[And that’s how my play begins!]
