Food Network Maraton: 9:30-10, Ultimate Kitchens

Waking up to “Ultimate Kitchens” is like waking up in an elevator with Leeza Gibbons. This is the show you will watch when you’re 90, strapped to a bed and so pumped full of morphine that shadow puppets and the tri-color off-the-air TV signal amount to high art. The show involves a perky woman (pictured above) in a purple shirt (she’s wearing the same shirt in the photo that she’s wearng on the show) haunting the kitchen of a mostly willing guest. Today’s guest is an artist. She’s done exciting things like build more counter space and mount birch wood on her walls. A typical pre-commercial cliffhanger is (quoted verbatim): “Coming up next? She wanted a kitchen with style that wouldn’t break her budget. The solution? Rice paper.” It hurts to watch this show…thank God it’s over.